Thursday, February 7, 2019

A Letter

To the Woman who has had an abortion:
Just reading those words has automatically pushed the button on the wall going up around your heart. You've lived your life forgetting and then you see that word or you hear that word or you see an argument about it on social media or you see a pregnant mom or you hear a baby's cry or you see an ultrasound image or you see a child about the age yours would have been......and the wall goes up.
You don't mean to let it get to you and you work so hard not to let it sneak its way in. You live the life the abortion enabled you to live, yet there is something that blocks the joy or the ease or the freedom you thought you would have when you made a choice - my life or what was growing inside you.
Even now as you read this, you are angered, ashamed, angered, heartbroken (if your heart even lets you go there for a second), hollow, angered, defensive...heartbroken.
You will deny this, yes, I know. Denial is your first reaction to being able to get up every morning and tell yourself you did the right thing, the only thing, the only choice you had. It takes a lot of energy to tell yourself what you need to hear in order to put one foot in front of the other so you can put on a front that does not tell your secret.
It takes a lot of energy to reason away and promote the very thing that keeps you from experiencing true joy. There is a cause that needs your support, there is a lie that needs to be you continue on. Promoting what your soul will not give you the complete freedom to defend.
You were young. You were in a hard place. You were at the moment of your career where all could be lost. You were in a bad relationship. You were recovering from an assault. You were scared to raise a disabled child. You were afraid to face your parents. You believed the doctor. You were at the end of your rope. You were unable to provide a home for the tissue inside you. You were all those things your cause makes sure are easily promoted so that you can be the one who is picked to live.
And you do live. You got your dream. You pulled yourself out of the bad relationship. You climbed up to the middle of the rope or higher. You have provided a home for yourself. You tell yourself over and over you did the best thing for everyone. And yet, the hole still is there.
You think it may be caused by any number of other things going on - the world economy, the political climate, the medication you're taking, the diet you're on, the exercise you don't do.  So you jump on the bandwagon of any and all these things telling yourself those "things" are the problem. When those "things" get fixed you will be ok.
But when you try to block it out, you still hear the sounds, you smell the room, you feel the feels. They're still there, taunting you and haunting you and making you work so hard to forget.
Dear, Dear Woman....the truth will set you free. Truth is never easy to face - just look in the mirror and see the gray hair, the wrinkles, the drooping skin. That truth stares at you every day in the cruelness of aging. But...the hope in knowing maturity has been good to you in so many ways besides the outward physical appearance gives you courage.
You are not what your choice was then and you are not what your choice is today because tomorrow will have new choices. You are free to live free from the past. You are free to settle this once and for all. You are free to be who you were created to be all along, not some clone of who you thought you needed to be to be accepted. 
You are not your abortion. You no longer need to defend your reason for having one (them). But you would do well to accept the fact if you could do it over again, you might take a little more time, pray a little more, seek counsel from someone who wasn't afraid to offend you or hurt you or squash your dreams. You might even take the risk on those you were sure then would shun you. For you have seen through the years since your abortion, we all have moments where we can step up to the plate and be and do the right thing, no matter the embarrassment or shame. You may be willing, if you could go back, to give those you were most afraid of disappointing a chance to to step in and support you and the person growing inside you.
You can't change what you did then. But you can change how you react to it now. 
The shouting and the marching and the hat wearing will never free your soul like facing the truth: 
I chose my life over my child's life. 
Take the step, be set free from your pain and constant turmoil and rage. Tell yourself the truth. No one but you and God need to know.
Aren't you tired? Aren't you so very tired? Let go.
Let God be who you needed Him to be before you made the choice. The denials and lie are what is keeping you in turmoil and upset at the causes and things and people around you that could care less about you. The you inside your flesh. The soul of you. 
Your choice is over. God is for you. Where He was then is just as important as where He is now. Waiting for you with open arms. Arms that will hold your pain, your grief, your sorrow, your emptiness. He does not want you to carry this anymore. The denial is heavy and burdensome and reaches beyond the shores of your own soul. It is not how He wants you, His precious child, to live.
Let it go. 
A woman who knows what it's like


1 John 1:9; John 3:17; Hebrews 4:15-16

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